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When everyone you love has the thing you want most

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Do you struggle with infertility, or any difficulty conceiving? How do you cope when everyone you love has the one thing you want? Read this amazing and encouraging parenting article for some motivation and inspiration.

Have you ever felt pain when you knew you should be ecstatic?

Have you ever felt sick to your stomach with good news?

News that should make you feel overjoyed.

News that is good news but it just strikes a chord deep in your soul.

And knowing that you should be happy makes you feel even sadder. It makes you want to scream out in pain. It pulls at your very soul.

 

That happens a lot. 

 

It happens to people around you all the time. It happens every time you celebrate a joyous event.

It happens every time you announce good news. 

There is always someone who wants that. Someone who wishes for that, prays for that with every ounce of their existence.  And that person gets an involuntary surge coming up from the stomach, a sob that can’t be contained. It’s involuntary. But it’s there.

 

Because when it seems that everyone you love has the thing you want most, your heart and soul rebels. It brings up emotions you wish you didn’t have. It brings up an abject sadness that you simply can’t seem to contain.

 

Everyone around you sees to get it with ease. 

Your greatest struggle seems to be a “by the way…” for most people.

Your greatest wish seems even further out of reach.

 

It happens to me a lot. I have been blessed, and it did not come easily. I have wanted for a while to be blessed again. And then it happened. Everyone around me announced the news. And I took another test. Negative.

 

I tell myself to be happy. I know I am. I am going to be surrounded by the laughter and cries of little babies. Three people closest to me will be bringing new life to the world. I am ecstatic. And then I burst into tears.

 

I am not jealous. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But I allow myself to be sad for myself. I need that. I need that to encourage me to pray a little harder. I pray that I too should have this chance. I pray that I should join them. And I cry real, hard tears as I pray.

 

I look at the little life next to me. The toddler who I am so blessed to have. The joy that he brings me fills me up, and makes my heart swell. I know I want more of it. I know that just as he didn’t come easily, the next one probably won’t either.

 

And I mourn for my losses, my failures, and my empty womb.

 

If this has happened to you, I know you can relate.

You know that feeling of guilt when you cry at good news.

You know that feeling of loneliness that grows for you as it shrinks for others.

You know that balloon in your tummy that bounces up with elation, and down with despair, all at the same time.

 

Don’t stifle that feeling. Don’t wallow in it either. But allow yourself to feel. You know what you’re missing. Your heart knows it, and the feelings are growing stronger.

 

 

Rejoice for your loved ones. That doesn’t mean you can’t mourn for yourself.

 

Do you struggle with infertility, or any difficulty conceiving? How do you cope when everyone you love has the one thing you want? Read this amazing and encouraging parenting article for some motivation and inspiration.Note (11.10.2018): I feel like 3 years later, it’s time to update this article!

I wrote this heartfelt post in September 2015. I published it a few weeks later, in October. At that point, I was still struggling, trying to conceive, and had just spent a holiday with two pregnant sisters. It was hard. I published this, praying that they wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

They didn’t. They had been thinking of me all through the holiday.

Shortly after I published this, I found out that I was (finally) pregnant with Baby Y, who is now a rambunctious two year old – ironically, I was already pregnant when I wrote this and did not know it. I decided to leave the article live on the blog, for the many that it has helped and will continue to help, sharing how I juggled the conflicting sentiments.

 

I know that “success stories” can be hard for those who are still waiting for theirs to come across. I debated taking this down to avoid the trigger. But I’ve been there. And while each struggle is unique, I get some of it, and I want to continue to empower.

All I can tell you is, hang in there! Be happy for those around you, but allow yourself to grieve, forgive yourself for grieving. Someone else’s blessing and your loss don’t have to interfere with each other.

 

If you're struggling with infertility or secondary infertility while those around you are pregnant, this inspiring article can help you cope, if not offer a supportive shoulder for your pain.

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Nicole

Wednesday 23rd of January 2019

This is me at current time. 3 miscarriages over the last 10 months with the assistance of fertility specialist with trying to conceive for over 2 years now. All my friends are currently announcing their 2,3, and even 4th child with some not planned and here I can’t even have one with so much assistance 😢

Lisa

Friday 18th of January 2019

Thank you for writing this. No one else seems to understand. I’ve been chastised for feeling and grieving.

Meka

Wednesday 6th of June 2018

Thank you! I to have one blessing here that I love with all my being, but I have three small blessings in Heaven. I want another child so badly. Thank you for sharing! I am praying that you get a blessing really soon!

Erin

Wednesday 7th of February 2018

Thank you so much for sharing. I have had this feeling multiple time in life. I am 39, single, and no children. I love kids and want a baby badly. Last night my 22 year old sister announced that she is pregnant. While I am ecstatic for her and my new niece or nephew, it hurts. In front of her I was excited, but did allow myself tears during my prayers last night. I know God has plans for me and this baby is a blessing.

Menucha @ Moms & Crafters

Wednesday 7th of February 2018

It's okay to cry those tears and that doesn't contradict your happiness for your sister. Loads of virtual hugs!

Melanie Chana

Friday 26th of January 2018

Shalom Menucha, Thank you for sharing. Its true there are so many out there really struggling in the midst of truly trying to be happy for a dear friend or family member. I am praying to be able to conceive after a miscarriage in October 2017. I was 9 weeks along and pretty devestated. A dear friend of mine, living in a house connected to mine was also pregnant. She carried her baby to term and delivered and I was painfully there the whole way to support her. I even missed her baby being born by only 5 minutes. I really do rejoice with her but my arms ache for my baby and there is always a question-why my baby? I have been blessed with two miracle babies, now 4 and 2 and couldnt be happier with them, but every time I even see a stranger pregnant let alone hear a newborn cry nextdoor it strikes a chord in my inner core...reminding me of the sorrow, the pain of empty arms. I believe all thibga in life are for a purpose and I know we will be blessed again, I just have to wait and hope and trust...and not stress. G-d is sovereign. He creates life and takes it away..blessed be His name.

I love your name! It means rest, right?

כל הברכות Melanie Chana

Menucha @ Moms & Crafters

Sunday 28th of January 2018

Shalom Melanie Chana, What is your full name and your mother's? I'll pray for you! It's so hard to balance the joy vs. your own pain.

And yes, my name means rest!

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