When everyone you love has the thing you want most

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Do you struggle with infertility, or any difficulty conceiving? How do you cope when everyone you love has the one thing you want? Read this amazing and encouraging parenting article for some motivation and inspiration.

Have you ever felt pain when you knew you should be ecstatic?

Have you ever felt sick to your stomach with good news?

News that should make you feel overjoyed.

News that is good news but it just strikes a chord deep in your soul.

And knowing that you should be happy makes you feel even sadder. It makes you want to scream out in pain. It pulls at your very soul.

 

That happens a lot. 

 

It happens to people around you all the time. It happens every time you celebrate a joyous event.

It happens every time you announce good news. 

There is always someone who wants that. Someone who wishes for that, prays for that with every ounce of their existence.  And that person gets an involuntary surge coming up from the stomach, a sob that can’t be contained. It’s involuntary. But it’s there.

 

Because when it seems that everyone you love has the thing you want most, your heart and soul rebels. It brings up emotions you wish you didn’t have. It brings up an abject sadness that you simply can’t seem to contain.

 

Everyone around you sees to get it with ease. 

Your greatest struggle seems to be a “by the way…” for most people.

Your greatest wish seems even further out of reach.

 

It happens to me a lot. I have been blessed, and it did not come easily. I have wanted for a while to be blessed again. And then it happened. Everyone around me announced the news. And I took another test. Negative.

 

I tell myself to be happy. I know I am. I am going to be surrounded by the laughter and cries of little babies. Three people closest to me will be bringing new life to the world. I am ecstatic. And then I burst into tears.

 

I am not jealous. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But I allow myself to be sad for myself. I need that. I need that to encourage me to pray a little harder. I pray that I too should have this chance. I pray that I should join them. And I cry real, hard tears as I pray.

 

I look at the little life next to me. The toddler who I am so blessed to have. The joy that he brings me fills me up, and makes my heart swell. I know I want more of it. I know that just as he didn’t come easily, the next one probably won’t either.

 

And I mourn for my losses, my failures, and my empty womb.

 

If this has happened to you, I know you can relate.

You know that feeling of guilt when you cry at good news.

You know that feeling of loneliness that grows for you as it shrinks for others.

You know that balloon in your tummy that bounces up with elation, and down with despair, all at the same time.

 

Don’t stifle that feeling. Don’t wallow in it either. But allow yourself to feel. You know what you’re missing. Your heart knows it, and the feelings are growing stronger.

 

 

Rejoice for your loved ones. That doesn’t mean you can’t mourn for yourself.

 

Do you struggle with infertility, or any difficulty conceiving? How do you cope when everyone you love has the one thing you want? Read this amazing and encouraging parenting article for some motivation and inspiration.Note (11.10.2018): I feel like 3 years later, it’s time to update this article!

I wrote this heartfelt post in September 2015. I published it a few weeks later, in October. At that point, I was still struggling, trying to conceive, and had just spent a holiday with two pregnant sisters. It was hard. I published this, praying that they wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

They didn’t. They had been thinking of me all through the holiday.

Shortly after I published this, I found out that I was (finally) pregnant with Baby Y, who is now a rambunctious two year old – ironically, I was already pregnant when I wrote this and did not know it. I decided to leave the article live on the blog, for the many that it has helped and will continue to help, sharing how I juggled the conflicting sentiments.

 

I know that “success stories” can be hard for those who are still waiting for theirs to come across. I debated taking this down to avoid the trigger. But I’ve been there. And while each struggle is unique, I get some of it, and I want to continue to empower.

All I can tell you is, hang in there! Be happy for those around you, but allow yourself to grieve, forgive yourself for grieving. Someone else’s blessing and your loss don’t have to interfere with each other.

 

If you're struggling with infertility or secondary infertility while those around you are pregnant, this inspiring article can help you cope, if not offer a supportive shoulder for your pain.

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33 Comments

  1. Hugs. I feel you. Its ok to be sad for ourselves from time to time. I have been struggling with similar feelings for a few months now. and grief hits you again like a wave, sudden and crashing. Hugs.

  2. I totally agree and totally go through the same thing. New announcements every day and I’ve been taught to believe if it makes me even a little sad I’m selfish, or jealous, or rude, or covetous when really I’m happy for them, I just need to be allowed to feel sad for myself for a little bit. Thankful for the sweet blessings God has given me, and praying for both of us that He would bless us again soon. <3

    • Exactly! With me, I don’t think I’ve so much been taught that way, but my sisterly instincts kick in and make me feel like a creep for being said. But the expression “mixed emotions” exist for a reason. One emotion doesn’t cancel out the other – they exist alongside each other.

  3. I completely get this.

  4. i know this feeling though not for same issue. I wanted to have a little son but I was told I am having a girl whom I cannot think of my life without her, I cried felt like shit afterward but the experience taught me that no matter how trivial your pain may feel to everybody , it is valid.

  5. I lost my first pregnancy at the same time 3 of my best friends were having babies. I never felt angry or jealous of them, because I wouldn’t wish that one anyone. It was more of a sadness…why not me too? It did make me appreciate it that much more when I had a healthy baby the next year. Loss and infertility are more common than we know because many don’t feel ok to talk about it. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this, but hopefully it helps to share your experience and know you’re not alone! Wishing you happiness and healing no matter what surprises life brings ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. I have been there and understand the grief. For so long I let it consume me and make me sad. I have been lucky and now have my adorable babies but when I see friends and family announce happy news I always think about those around us who may struggle to congratulate them as I once did.

  7. Pingback: My Silent Struggle | Arts & Crackers

  8. totally get this! i have been struggling with infertility for a little over 10 years. i will keep praying that one day it will happen. just so disappointed when i read that negative test every time or when the girl that is on birth control complains about her getting pregnant. ahhhh!

  9. Im sorry and I understand are the two most comforting words from someone who cares about what you are going through! I’ve had nine miscarriages over fourteen years. Some surgical, some natural and even an eptopic pregnancy. No answers just more tests and trying. My family doesn’t understand. They tell me to just be happy for what I have and move on. Throughout all the pain and suffering I have experienced I have realized that no support maybe the hardest part. I have good days and bad days. I feel accomplished to get through the bad days and overjoyed with the good days. The most peaceful word is Hope. When all is said and done I give you my hope for happiness and understanding for healing.

  10. Beautifully written!

    This might not go with the emotional space of your article. I believe we should always acknowledge the bad/unfair times and feel validated in our feelings. It’s impossible to go from feeling devastated/jealous to happy/celebrating. But if you can think about this on a good day you may reach a glimpse of hope.

    I think there is a gift in everything (death, divorce, miscarriage, shootings, etc). There is a gift in waiting for a baby. There is a gift in every time we have to wait. The gift is always time. Most days it feels like the enemy but if you can think about it on a good day, you might see it as a gift. That can really shift your energy. I write more about it in my blog.

    http://www.approachingmotherhood.com/blog/2015/the-gift-on-infertility-and-waiting-for-a-baby

  11. My tears drop when I read this. I totally know how this feel. I’ve been struggling the same for 12 years, hoping to see positive sign in the test that I took.

  12. My tears drop when I read this. I totally know how this feel. I’ve been struggling the same thing for 12 years. I hope someday we will get what we wish for.

  13. 2 of my best friends are preggo right now….. Love them and so happy for them, they are both expecting #2. But yes, I’m struggling for #1….. Have been for 3 years going on 4. It’s been rough but I can’t give up hope, I have to be strong. I have no other choice. I struggle with infertility. I’m really glad I read this article tonight… Today has been one of those nights I am struggling. Thank you.

  14. This is the realest post I have ever read. Except I feel guilty for feeling sad or mourning. Sometimes I don’t want to congratulate. I don’t wanna plan the baby shower don’t even wanna freaking trend. Then I sit quietly and think about these thoughts and the guilt sets in. How could I be so mean if it was me having a baby? How can I be upset about the gift of life. Guilt guilt guilt

  15. Finally, someone has described my feelings. I don’t know how to express my feelings, but you just said every word in my heart.

  16. It also bugs me off when all my friends complain about how hard being a parent. When I try to discuss it with them, I can feel that tone in their voices saying” you don’t have a child, you don’t know how hard it is.” I know that being a parent is not easy, but it kills me that I can’t find a topic to discuss with my only friends.

    • Right, I think it’s on those of us who are parents to be sensitive and understanding. We know the blessing, we should also know the pain. I think it’s something that those who have been through it can relate to the pain more.

  17. This hit home . I have never felt so empty and depressed . With religiously trying and praying for almost 2 years and seeing friends , co workers and now my sister having a baby boy last week I can’t help but feel low when I’m trying to be happy for them . They were pregnant within a few months some without trying while I sit here every month praying and nothing . I honestly don’t know how to handle or cope with these mixed emotions.

  18. Shalom Menucha,
    Thank you for sharing. Its true there are so many out there really struggling in the midst of truly trying to be happy for a dear friend or family member. I am praying to be able to conceive after a miscarriage in October 2017. I was 9 weeks along and pretty devestated. A dear friend of mine, living in a house connected to mine was also pregnant. She carried her baby to term and delivered and I was painfully there the whole way to support her. I even missed her baby being born by only 5 minutes. I really do rejoice with her but my arms ache for my baby and there is always a question-why my baby? I have been blessed with two miracle babies, now 4 and 2 and couldnt be happier with them, but every time I even see a stranger pregnant let alone hear a newborn cry nextdoor it strikes a chord in my inner core…reminding me of the sorrow, the pain of empty arms. I believe all thibga in life are for a purpose and I know we will be blessed again, I just have to wait and hope and trust…and not stress. G-d is sovereign. He creates life and takes it away..blessed be His name.

    I love your name! It means rest, right?

    ื›ืœ ื”ื‘ืจื›ื•ืช
    Melanie Chana

  19. Thank you so much for sharing. I have had this feeling multiple time in life. I am 39, single, and no children. I love kids and want a baby badly. Last night my 22 year old sister announced that she is pregnant. While I am ecstatic for her and my new niece or nephew, it hurts. In front of her I was excited, but did allow myself tears during my prayers last night. I know God has plans for me and this baby is a blessing.

  20. Thank you! I to have one blessing here that I love with all my being, but I have three small blessings in Heaven. I want another child so badly. Thank you for sharing! I am praying that you get a blessing really soon!

  21. Thank you for writing this. No one else seems to understand. Iโ€™ve been chastised for feeling and grieving.

  22. This is me at current time. 3 miscarriages over the last 10 months with the assistance of fertility specialist with trying to conceive for over 2 years now. All my friends are currently announcing their 2,3, and even 4th child with some not planned and here I canโ€™t even have one with so much assistance ๐Ÿ˜ข

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